My crown chakra opening and the flow of higher energy into my body had triggered my past traumas to come to surface to be cleansed.
As the light energy flew through my body and came across blockages, all sorts of nervous, psychological and physical reactions took place.
Years long of unhealthy eating habits, a childhood of physical abuse and an entire life of traumatic experiences manifested in physical symptoms.
I could no longer ignore the screams of help my being tried to let out my entire life. Now they were present and constant and needed to be healed.
The first and biggest trauma that came to surface was my relationship with my mother.
Growing up as an extremely curious child with an anxious mother, I had a very challenging upbringing.
I am a manifestor human design type, and we are designed to act without waiting. We are designed to not recognize any other authority but the one within us.
My mother, on the other hand, is an extremely sensitive person. Throughout her life, she had to build the tallest walls to keep the world from getting to her and later on to her two adored children.
She was afraid and alone, in a country where only the laws of the jungle applied. In a city where she knew no one but a man that tricked her into marring him with lies. A man that represented no more but an extra burden for her to take care of.
I was never allowed to leave home until I was 7 of age and gained the luxury of having to go to school once a day. Mother inspected all the roads leading to school and designed the safest shortest one and asked me to never deviate from it.
Under any circumstances.
I deeply loved my mother, so most of the time, I did follow.
But I was a curious child. I looked outside my school window and saw infinite land and buildings and adventures. It did not take long until the need in me to go and explore would take me over.
I would often escape, and wander aimlessly, while my poor mother would go hysteric from one door to another, inspecting every neighborhood until she would find me.
In her hysteria, you could try to imagine the extent she was willing to go to make sure this wouldn’t happen again. And you could imagine how the magnitude to which her ways would increase every time they have proved unsuccessful.
My curiosity was an unstoppable force and my mother’s anxiety was an unmovable object and the answer to that riddle, is childhood long physical abuse.
In my only attempt at a therapy session, I told this to my therapist, only to have her clashing my mother. Not knowing all that she had to go through, not knowing all that she had to sacrifice for us. Not taking into account the social ignorance that insured for her psychological problems to not be untreated. She did not take into account years of colonization (still ongoing) and theft that contributed to my country’s underdevelopment and lack of consciousness around mental health, as everyone is too busy surviving. She took none of that into consideration and put all the blame on my poor mother’s back. Needless to say, I never returned.
Years after I had hassled my way out of that country, out of my mother’s prison, out of the darkness of my past, and manifested for myself the life I had always wanted, my being decided to wake up and throw me right back there.
Time to clean up.
The first attempt was to confront my mother. In our very virst trip together as she was visiting Monaco for work.
As we were taking a walk by the harbor, discussing what fancy suit she should buy for my brother, I asked why I got treated the way I was treated as a child and not my brother? Why I was denied affection, support and encouragement. Why my request for very basic needs was often turned down, while he had always been treated like a glorified prince.
I always loved my brother. It is her attitude that I failed to understand.
Her reaction was aggressive. She cried and screamed and asked if my complaining about this would ever be over. This time, I could see through the surface of her reaction. I could see the guilt that was masked as agression and loudness. So I hugged her
I asked her to only apologize and hug me. It was all that I thought I needed at that moment. Yet she couldnt. So I hugged her. ‘I forgive you’ I lied.
A motnh later, when the symptoms and obesession I had about them took over me, she was my only refuge. She listened every day as I complained and shared my pain and fear as she always does. She always worries the most whenever anything touches
our health but this time even when the doctors were telling me to prepare for a multiple schelerosis dygnosis, she remained calm. Even when test after test was removing the other possibilites, she said ‘a mother’s heart never lies, nothing is wrong with you’.
The dark awakening symptoms were happening at the same time as the white ones. And althought there was the part of me that couldnt believe anything else but that my nervous system was degenerating and that I was cursed with an autoimmune disease coupled
with a psychosis that made me see and speak to imaginary beings, there was also the part of me that could not deny all that I was experiencing spiritually. The synchronicities, the bliss, and the pain alleviating my spirit guide’s presence had on me.
In my best moments, I could believe him as he repeated over and over and over again ‘Nothing is wrong with you. You are simply waking up in a body that is not ready to contain you. This body is trying to readjust to the vibration of you’
In my best moments, I could hear him out on what I needed to do to help this body contain me. He explained to me the physical, psycological and spiritual processes to guide my being into harmony.
That process started with healing my relationship with my mother. And it had to start with meeting my mother and allowing her to meet me.
Childhood trauma cleaning
Although I do not remember one day of my life that I had not spoken to my mother (Codependacy was an issue), She did not know me.The healing, my guide said, had to start with truly meeting eachother and the first step was mine to make.
The first step into this was telling her what I was experiencing spiritually. All I knew of her back then is that she had some muslim religious believes and that explained her initial resistance towards my newfound believes. ‘I don’t really
want to hear about those things’ she said. But as we grew closer over the periods where the symptoms got more and worse, we talked all the time, she was my refuge, it got us closer and she was more open to listen to what I was going through.
I explained that there is a part of me that believe that the symptoms were due to a spiritual awakening and the resurfacing of childhood trauma and that I would like to wokr through them in an attempt to heal it.
This time, surprisingly she was open to hear all about it and do anything to aleviate my pain. We adressed carefully, bit by bit, the dark subject of my childhood. She listened and although she had nothing to say, being heard was half of the healing.
Opening up to her became a habit and I started to open up about everything. Showing my true color, speaking of every insecurity, dropping the perfect mask I kept for so long to impress her. I understood that all my life, I was acting strong that I didn’t
give her the true narrative of who I was. She lacked the pain and stuggles behind it that explained a lot of my actions. As she knew me more, she could relate more to the why I am the way I am and why I act the way I act. Her resistance washed away with every word
explaining my motives. I then understood the human design’s strategy for the manifestro being ‘To inform’. All she needed was to see that I also was human and that everything she thought I did to ‘hurt her’ came from needs, insecurities and dynamics that my childhood molded in me.
She finally saw me, and the more she did, the more she gave me everything I was asking of her. I realised that I was asking for soemthing she could not give back then not because she didn’t know how to give, but because she didn’t understand.
Another big thing that played into braking our bound was my sexuality. From her perspective, my gayness was another act of revolting against her. She resisted it at first and I saw it a sign of her hating me. While when she also opened up, I understood that the only reason she resisted it was because she loved me
so much and was scared. She was scared that her child would be bullied, outcasted, that I would be miserable. So when she was resisting it, at a deeper level, she was resisting that.
Now having this newfound closeness with my mother, I spoke to her my deepest inner thoughts and questions. And since I am in the habit to put everything under the loop and try to analyse it.
Raalising that I am not this ego and that I’am only here to discover this ego and experience it. There was no taboo for me when it came to decomposing my personality and analysing event he parts that defined me.
My sexuality was no exeption. I did have the question in me, if my sexual preference was innate or due to the lack of a connection with a fatherly figure. Even thought I was raised by my grandfather who was my most adored person, and one of the biggest influences in my life, I had no connection to my father.
I shared this question wiht her and she was willing to approach it as rationally as I did. Trying to go over the facts. And I will never forget the day she called on my birthday. She asked me to listen to her fully and to take every word in. I believe it was the first time she was the one to speak of my sexuality
so far, she resisted, then she listened to me speaking. She spoke of the facts around it. But this time she started with saying: I want you to understand that you are perfect, the way you are. You ae accepted, the way you are. Your brother and I accept everything you turned out to be and are so proud of it.
I respect that you are trying to understand all of you, but I want to make sure you are not doing it because you feel like you need to chnage who you are. I will fight the world with you if you had to. I see that you are not doing this
to harm anyone, and I am sorry I didn’t understand you all this time. So search all you want but know that no matter what you find, you are already acceptd for it’.
I did not know how much I needed to hear those words. That short phone call changed me forever.
I had been asked many times by friends what does it mean for me to have had the awakening. What did it change. It changed many things but one of the biggest things it had offered me is another perspective. Before the awakening there was I, after the awakening, I can see life from not only my eyes
But I can feel other’s feelings and I have access to their perspective. After experiencing oness, I have the ability to tap into deeper motives into why people act the way they do.